Zen Executive Newsletter

You Can Lead It Without Controlling It

There's a difference between taking responsibility for what's yours and carrying responsibility for everything.

October 27, 2026

I've been thinking a lot about control lately.

Perhaps it's because John and I recently moved into our new home, and if you've ever moved, you know how quickly a seemingly simple decision can turn into twenty more!

What stays? What goes? Where should this go? And seriously, why on earth did we keep THAT?

As we've been settling in, we've been having some interesting conversations about what we want to bring into this next chapter of our lives. After all, it's our home, and we each have our own ideas, preferences, and perspectives about how we'd like it to feel.

And isn't that part of the fun (most of the time)?

We're not simply recreating what we had before. We're creating something together, which means listening, considering one another's ideas, sometimes compromising, and occasionally discovering a possibility neither of us had considered.

It's been a lovely reminder that I can have a vision, make thoughtful decisions, and take action while still leaving room for someone else's perspective and allowing things to unfold.

Now, does that mean I haven't had moments when I've wanted everything settled, organized, and in its rightful place? Of course not! I'm human. And patience isn't always my strongest virtue.

But it has reminded me of something I see often in my work with executives, business owners, and high-achieving professionals.

Sometimes our desire to be responsible quietly turns into a need to control.

And we don't always recognize when we've crossed that line.

When Responsibility Becomes Something More

Having built and led a multimillion-dollar, multi-location business, I understand what it means to carry responsibility.

There are decisions to make, people depending on you, problems that need attention, and outcomes that matter.

You can't simply sit back and hope everything works out.

But somewhere along the way, many of us begin to believe that being a good leader means anticipating every problem, having every answer, managing every reaction, and making sure everything unfolds according to plan.

Sound familiar?

Perhaps you've found yourself replaying a conversation long after it ended, trying to figure out how you could have handled it differently.

Or you've delegated something, only to find yourself checking in repeatedly because you're not entirely comfortable with how someone else is approaching it.

Maybe you've walked into a meeting with a clear vision, only to feel resistance rising when someone offers a different perspective.

None of these experiences makes you a poor leader. They make you human.

But they do offer an opportunity to become more aware of what's driving your response.

Are you acting from clarity and intention, or from discomfort with uncertainty?

It's a question worth sitting with.

The Difference Between Leading and Controlling

Here's something I've come to appreciate through my own experiences, both personally and professionally.

We can be fully committed to an outcome without becoming consumed by how it unfolds.

Think about that for a moment.

You can establish expectations without controlling how every individual responds.

You can make a thoughtful decision without having a guarantee that it will produce the exact result you envision.

You can care deeply about your team without carrying every person's emotions, challenges, or choices as your own.

And you can be confident in your experience while remaining open to the possibility that someone else sees something you haven't considered.

Having a vision doesn't mean being the only person who gets to shape it.

That last point is particularly important in leadership.

When we become overly attached to how something should happen, we can unintentionally close ourselves off to the very people, ideas, and possibilities that might help us achieve something even better.

Recently, I shared a LinkedIn reflection inspired by Ted Lasso and the improv principle of "Yes, and..."

What I appreciate about that approach is the willingness to give another perspective room before deciding what to do with it.

We don't have to agree with every suggestion. And we certainly don't have to abandon our judgment or experience.

But what might become possible if we listened with curiosity rather than immediately preparing our response?

How often do we unknowingly shut down a new possibility simply because it doesn't fit what we expected?

Sometimes what feels like maintaining control is actually limiting what we're able to see.

And that's where self-awareness becomes such an important part of effective leadership.

The Power of the Pause

One of the foundational practices I teach through my Pathway to Inner Peace® featuring the 4R Method® is learning to Recognize what's happening within us before automatically reacting to what's happening around us.

Because here's the thing.

We all have familiar patterns.

Perhaps yours is jumping in to fix things. Maybe it's taking on more than you should, overthinking a decision, or feeling compelled to defend a position.

These patterns often developed for good reasons. They may have even contributed to your success.

But what helped you succeed at one stage of life or leadership may not be what serves you best today.

And unless we recognize those patterns, we can continue repeating them without realizing we have another choice.

This is why I'm such a believer in the Power of the Pause.

A pause doesn't have to mean stepping away for twenty minutes to meditate, although I certainly encourage making time for stillness!

Sometimes it's simply taking one conscious breath before responding.

It's noticing the tension in your body when someone challenges your idea.

It's recognizing the urge to take over a task you've delegated.

It's catching yourself mentally trying to solve a situation that hasn't even happened yet.

That small moment of awareness creates space.

Space to question an assumption.

Space to hear another perspective.

Space to choose how you want to show up rather than allowing an old habit to make that choice for you.

And from that place, we can still take decisive action.

In fact, we may be better equipped to do so.

Three Questions Worth Taking Into Your Next Workday

The next time you find yourself feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or determined to make something unfold a certain way, consider pausing long enough to ask yourself:

1. What is actually mine to influence here?
Where can I offer direction, make a decision, establish a boundary, or take meaningful action? And what belongs to someone else?

2. What am I trying to control because uncertainty is uncomfortable?
Am I responding to what's actually happening, or am I trying to eliminate the discomfort of not knowing how things will turn out?

3. What might I hear, see, or choose differently if I create a little space first?
Is there another perspective I haven't considered? Am I holding on to an expectation simply because it's familiar?

You don't need to answer all three every time something challenging comes your way.

Even one question can interrupt an automatic response and open the door to a more intentional choice.

And sometimes, that's all it takes to change the direction of a conversation, a decision, or an entire day.

Leading With Intention, Not Tension

As John and I continue settling into this next chapter of our lives, I'm reminded that allowing things to unfold doesn't mean becoming passive or giving up responsibility.

It means recognizing where our energy is best invested and where our need to control may be creating unnecessary resistance.

We can plan, prepare, make decisions, and take action while remaining open to what we haven't yet considered.

And the same is true in leadership.

The people we lead don't need us to have every answer or control every outcome.

They need us to be present, thoughtful, willing to listen, and capable of making decisions even when certainty isn't available.

There will always be things beyond our control. That's part of being human, and certainly part of being a leader.

Perhaps the greater opportunity is learning to trust ourselves enough to navigate whatever comes next without feeling responsible for controlling every part of the journey.

After all, you can care deeply without carrying everything.

And that's a distinction worth practicing.

I'd Love to Hear From You 

Where in your work or leadership are you noticing the difference between leading something and trying to control it?

Perhaps it's a situation with your team, a decision you're facing, or simply recognizing an old habit that no longer serves you.

I'd love for you to share your thoughts in the comments or reach out to me directly. I genuinely enjoy hearing your perspectives, and sometimes the most meaningful conversations begin with recognizing that we're not the only ones navigating these experiences.

And if you're finding yourself at a crossroads, carrying more than you'd like, or questioning how to lead and live differently through change, know that this is the very work I love supporting through executive coaching.

Until next time, remember:

The power lies in the pause.

With warmth and light,
Nancy Gentle Boudrie
Founder, Awaken With Light®
Executive Coach | Corporate Wellness Speaker

Create a life by design, not one of default.